Twin Summers Together

mary-ann-fallsEvery year my family and I went up to the north. Up to the island where the best beaches opened up into the Atlantic Ocean. My father was from this part of the province. We spent Christmas time each year at his parent’s place a bit south, then camped up north for at least a couple of weeks every August.

Our family was always up in these parts during late summer. Something I always looked forward to soo much after a year of being bullied at school. It was an escape from “reality” and from feeling “trapped” at school and in the town we lived in.

This time It was the summer of 1994. We always camped in tents. We never could afford a trailer or camper van. I always preferred this. My grandfather had a camper trailer that fit on the back of his truck. I was always told that it was only for the girl cousins in the family. Camping in a tent seemed much cooler to me anyway since I was a child. My Dad wanted us to experience the outdoors. So I never complained.

In 1994, that summer, I was fifteen going on sixteen, I had my own red, two-person tent anyway. My own space. My younger brother was in the big tent with our parents still. During this time I was in my early years of learning to play guitar. I always had my cassette tape walkman and headphones with me. Even at the beach and while I walked around the campground. I was always walking, dancing and singing…and miming the guitar. A guitar I couldn’t bring camping.

It was during one of my walks that a girl, one year older than I, approached me. A tall and beautiful girl. Brunette. She was from Massachusetts, USA. Her name was Theresa. She was a year older than I was. We started chatting so much that we went to the nearby shelter of picnic tables. There we got to know what we were both into. We talked about music a lot and she even got me to write down what songs I knew on my guitar (which took a while). This girl really seemed to be interested in me. I still remember how she smile an looked right into my eyes when she talked to me.

For my entire family trip, Theresa and I were inseparable. My parents got to know her father, Rick, whom she was there with. She (and even her Dad) came with us to various beaches that summer almost daily. We had camping meals together too. Theresa and I became very close. The very first girl I ever became close with. We were two peas in a pod that summer. It was hard two weeks later when we had to say goodbye. Like being set with a prison sentence.

I never had many friends in my life. Very little true friends. I can count them on one hand to this day. Theresa was a great friend. I was fifteen and she was sixteen. I knew she had a boyfriend at home, but we were in our own little camping and beachside world together up there by the beach when we were together. I was very hard to say goodbye that year…

…skip ahead to one year later. The summer of 1995. Same place. My family is camping in the same campground…and Theresa and her Dad were also back again camping in the same place. Talk about happiness. I wish there was a home video of our smiles and hugs together after seeing each other once again when we both thought it would never happen.

I couldn’t believe Theresa was there again. I couldn’t believe it. We were inseparable again, strolling around the campground and hanging out at the beach and by the mountain river waterfall. My favorite waterfalls. The falls I want some of my ashes spread in some day. We talked and talked about music, movies, tv shows, and high school. She was a most special friend to me. We stuck together for our entire trip there once again. I even went on adventures with her and her Dad while my parents went elsewhere with my younger brother.

We said our goodbyes that August of 1995 thinking we would likely see each other again the next summer or speak on the phone. We did speak on the phone once, around Spring 1996 when I got permission to call her long distance into the USA. That was the final time we ever spoke to each other or had any contact.

We also never returned as a family to that same camping place or vacationed anywhere together again. Things changed for whatever reason as a family. I graduated high school and moved out the following year. My parents divorced seven years later. Yes. Things do change. I imagine things changed in Theresa’s life in many ways as well.

This all happened during many years before social media and Facebook…or even digital photography. I wish I had a picture of her and I together. I am sure we would have kept in touch on Facebook, if it had existed. We knew each other during the time when the internet was only in its baby steps. Barely in our schools. Letters in the mail or phone calls were how you communicated with someone as far apart as we were from each other at that time. Hard to believe.

I hope Theresa is doing very well these days. She likely is married with kids by now. I wish I could say the same. I imagine she has also thought about what happened to me from time to time. I am sure she wishes me well too.

I hope so. With things like this, a person can only remember and smile at the good times we had with that other person. She now only exists in my memories.

Very good and cherished memories. ♥


The Ice Under a Red Sky

A youth born with innocent eyes.
Short-sighted. Unseeing nor caring about the world around.
Reaching out for what never wanted to reach back.
Falling down until the only ground below has left it starving.

All was wanted – one who would see the good in the eyes.
One who would feel the kindness of a fragile heart – who would see the light in a gentle soul.
With a monstrous frame of unacceptance and hate.
Inside was warm and gentle – a loving soul.

The walls around – waiting for something to break them down.
Wanting someone to see – for once – the hidden light and warmth that dwells within.
Waiting for that glimmer of light that peaks through the crack in your walls.
Staring eternally at everything – waiting for the spark of love that shall creep into the light.

The walls taking ongoing damage. Please bring them down.
Inside and out – the war goes on.
Nothing compares to the pain and damage – to the light and warmth inside.
Screaming in desperation. Not wanting the cold.
Holding on. Trying so hard to make it with kindness – in a world fueled by hate.

Deep in the corner of the heart.
The light’s final tear freezes against the icy skin of the unwanted. The war of forever turns the warmth to the only comfort it once had – within the ice.
The walls begin to crack. The new cold from what once was warm breaks free.

Trying to survive and adapt to the new surrounding climate.
Only in time, it freezes over – the eyes now see the true nature of where they belong. Innocence is lost as the heart has frozen over. The soul fades to black…
…resting cold – unwanted.

The final tears freeze as the sky grows red.

Back To The Start

So far away. So very close.
Into my veins. Into my heart.
Forgive me while I lose my mind.
I did. Done. Can you find me?

Lost in the belly of a dark abyss.
Fearing the unknown. Laughing at the skull.
Crying on the inside. Bleeding on the outside.
What the fuck is going on?

This emptiness is killing me. I am talking to myself.
I hate myself. I cannot catch myself.
Can someone tell me what all this means?
My invention of feelings. My living nightmare.

Slice through these veins. Break down this wall.
What is this? Can I breathe? Will I fall?
I run away. My “minds” – are screaming and bleeding.
Grab my antenna. Look into my eyes.

See me. Find me. Like me, please?
Tear me apart. Put me back together.
Please hold me. Close to your heart.
Never let my nightmares live again.

Take me back to the start.

Become The Skies

I fall beneath the sun.
I march before the shore. It tears me apart.
I am told to run. Pulled into the blade.
My brother. My blood. My truth. My art.

Will you follow me now? Into the dirt?
Where the sun never follows you down?
Am I to blame? When did all the flowers turn to dust?
Forever I fall. Our leaves. Forever frowning.

Lay me down before the dawn.
Ever wanting. Drying my eyes.
Walk with me. Stare at me. I am here.
My book. My creation.
I now become the skies.

A Fallen Memory

The cold air is raping my soul.
A glance above at the foreseeing eyes of pain.
I want, plea and hold to justice to whom bury me in hate.
I lay weak and wet from soil moist with tears.

My heart- dying in punishment.
It weeps desperate eyes towards a final trial.
Do not deny me this final breath.
This air comforts me with a fading light.
It fills me in my hollow hopes of a new dawn.

The sun has set and the air is thin.
A frozen touch – like ice. My spine absorbs me in pain.
A blinded vision of hope covers my body. It tells me the truth.
A forgotten destiny that shall see no more.
All is forgotten and is to be so true. Its thick tar of night.

Forever lasts the night. One last scene from above.
Filling in what was left of my heart as the sky disappears.
I see my future in black. It is damp and cold and it tells me its name.
Reach up to the sky. It is no longer there.
One with the Earth.
A fallen memory.

That Trip to the Lake (Nine Teenagers In One Car)

beautiful-sunset-outsideIt was summer 1996. Us guys were all hyped about science fiction with the movie Independence Day coming out. I was still a loner during these times. Well, basically it was just me and my cousin, Mike, all the time. Mike and I only had a few friends at our schools. This was the summer we were entering our senior year of high school. At this point, Mike and I lived about a three-hour drive apart from each other and went to different high schools.

In October 1994, my family had moved from a town about an hour away from where Mike and his family lived, to one or three or more hours away. I had access to my parent’s 1989 Ford Tempo during that time. I would make the drive up to where Mike lived to either bring him back down to our house for a weekend or stay at his house.

Mike and I used to see each other every day at school during junior high school. Being separated was a hard thing to accept as a lifelong victim of bullying. Mike would always be there at my side and back me up and face with me whichever groups of bullies wanted to take me down anywhere on or off the school property. I missed him dearly when our family moved away. He was a part of me by then.

One day, I had driven up to Mike’s town as we met up with a guy we both got along with in junior high when I went to the same school as Mike. His mother was the junuor high school librarian. We all liked her and him. For this story, we shall call this guy, Ben.

We spent an hour or so playing a PC game and discussing the upcoming movie, Independence Day, amongst each other. Ben got a call from some other kids he knew in school. I did NOT know any of them. We WERE though, the guys with the car on that particular day. We were the ride to the beach that day.
It was about ten kilometres away from Aylesford Lake from Ben’s parent’s house. We had me, Ben, Mike, two female friends of Ben, and we made it only a bit down the road to where more “friends” were waiting. Two more girls and some guy I swear I saw in a heavy metal magazine.

Wake up! Hello? No! My parent’s small little car would only legally fit two people in the front seats, three people in the back seats. If maybe one could lay across their laps in the back. Soooo…that leaves three passengers getting stuffed into the trunk. Yup. That is exactly what we attempted but those three didn’t fit in the trunk so Ben had to hold down the trunk lock from inside it until we got to the lake parking lot. Nine teenagers stuffed into a five seat car. My parents would’ve killed me if they had known.

I will never forget driving while yelling at the trunk people to make sure they were holding down the trunk so the cops wouldn’t see all this insanity going on with my parent’s car. AC/DC’s 1983 album Flick of the Switch was cranked up on cassette in the car stereo.

We made it to the lake. Everyone jumped out and ran from the parking lot to the lake. Only Mike and I were left back at the car.

The car was also now somehow stuck in the sand at the edge of the gravel parking lot.

The others were all off at the lake beach. Mike and I were in the middle of our challenge phase. We were both into learning new martial arts and trting new strength feats. At that time. I was the bodybuilder and strongman enthusiast. So my parent’s Tempo was stuck in the sand. What do we do? Watch the girls at the beach for awhile while we figure something out.

I stood by the back of the car with the trunk wide opened. Mike and I kept on looking at each other. I knew he thought the insane, too. The damn back tires were stuck in the sand. Though for a few minutes we tried. With Mike jokingly coaching and yelling at me like Mickey from the Rocky movies, I tried to used my large frame to move the back tires out of the sand – It was a nice try.

Eventually, we managed to drive it out of the sand after lots of spinning tires.
The car was now fine after being stuck in the sand with us kids. Just in damn friggin’ time for the others to be done with the lake too. We barely noticed an entire hour had passed. It was now time to pack everyone into the car and go back.

It’s still a wonder we even made both trips with all of us stuffed into that small car.

Neither me or Mike ever forgot that afternoon. We talked and laughed about on the phone just a couple of years ago – both of us full of tears laughing about that day.

It hits me every single day….that Michael is gone. He is still here though. Forever on my mind and in my heart.

Mike and I missed so much of our adult lives together. Though I never forgot about him. He WAS and FOREVER will be my second brother.

There will always be so much more to write about Mike and our many many wonderful times together. I will. ♥

So many more stories to come ♥